A Texas Deer Hunt


1:00 AM     Alarm clock rings

2:00 AM     Hunting partner arrives and drags you out of bed.

2:30 AM     Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.

3:00 AM     Leave for the Hill Country.

3:15 AM     Drive back home and pick up gun.

3:30 AM     Drive like heck to get to the lease before daylight.

4:00 AM     Set up camp – Forgot the tent.

4:30 AM     Head into the woods.

6:05 AM     See group of eight deer.

6:06 AM     Take aim and squeeze the trigger.

6:07 AM     “Click.”

6:08 AM     Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.

8:00 AM     Head back to camp.

9:00 AM     Still looking for camp.

11:00 AM   Realize you don’t know where camp is.

Noon         Fire gun for help – eat wild berries.

1:15 PM     Ran out of bullets.  Eight deer come back.

2:20 PM     Strange feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM     Realize you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM     Rescued!

2:55 PM     Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.

4:00 PM     Arrive back at Camp.

4:15 PM     Leave camp to hunt deer.

4:30 PM     Return to camp for bullets.  See partners deer.

4:45 PM     Load gun – leave camp again.

5:00 PM     Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you.

6:00 PM     Arrive at camp.  See deer grazing at camp.

6:01 PM     Load gun.

6:02 PM     Fire gun.

6:03 PM     One dead pickup truck.

6:05 PM     Hunting partner arrives at camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM     Suppress strong desire to shoot hunting partner.

6:07 PM     Fall into fire.

6:10 PM     Change clothes.  Throw burned ones into fire.

6:15 PM     Take pickup, leave partner and his deer in the woods.

6:25 PM     Pickup boils over – hole shot in block.

6:26 PM     Start walking.

6:30 PM     Stumble and fall – drop gun in the mud.

6:35 PM     Meet wild boar.

6:36 PM     Take aim.

6:37 PM     Fire gun.  The barrel blows up.  Discover that it was plugged with mud.

6:38 PM     Climb tree.

9:00 PM     Wild boar departs.  Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight    Arrive at camp at last!

Next Day   Slowly tear hunting license into little pieces, place in envelope, and mail to game warden.

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 September 2023