The Hunter’s Dictionary contributed by Paul Wilson

Many persons who have just started hunting mistakenly assume that they understand the specialized terminology and jargon of the sport.  As a result, they often spend years in a state of befuddlement, wondering at the perversity of fate and cursing the contrariness of experienced hunters.  The problem is that they simply don’t grasp the true meaning of the terms, phrases and casual utterances as used by the hunting fraternity.  I have therefore compiled The Hunter’s Dictionary, published below in its entirety.  It will do nothing to improve the beginning sportsmen’s skills but should go a long way toward preserving his mental health.  Note: For the purpose of conciseness, “beginning hunter” and “experienced hunter” are abbreviated “BH” and “EH”, respectively.

FIVE MINUTES – This refers to a period of time ranging from five minutes to four hours, generally speaking, but has occasionally run for over a day.  It is used in this way by EH’s: “wait here. I’ll be back in five minutes.”  What happens is the EH will step off into the brush to check for tracks or possibly for some other business.  While there, he will catch sight of a buck fifty yards or so up the slope, but the deer’s head will be behind a tree.  The EH crouches down and sneaks up to a little rise off to one side to get a better look and count the points.  However, as he arrives, the buck is stepping over the ridge of the hill.  The EH, still in his crouch, scurries silently up the hill, expecting an easy shot.  Cresting the hill, he catches a glimpse of its tail as the deer rounds the bend of an old cow trial.  The EH will be thus occupied with this pursuit for the next few hours.  His companion, if he too is an EH, will wait no longer than it takes to consume half a sandwich and a cup of coffee.  By then he knows that the “five minutes” is a period to be measured in hours, and he will immediately proceed with his own hunting.  A BH on the other hand, assuming that “five minutes” means five minutes, will remain rooted loyally to the waiting place until due begins to form on him.  When the EH finally returns, the due-covered hunter will yell at him, “I thought you said you’d be back in five minutes!”  The EH, somewhat puzzled by this display of wrath, will glance at his watch and say, “Well, here I am, ain’t I?  I left at ten-thirty, and now it’s only five-fifteen!  If I was going to be gone longer than five minutes, I would’ve told you!”

HUNTING VEHICLE – The BH assumes that what is meant by this phrase is any vehicle used to transport persons on a hunting trip, preferably a four-wheel drive of some sort.  What the EH means by a “hunting vehicle” is any vehicle so long as it isn’t his.  If a BH is along on the trip, it means the BH’s vehicle specifically.  It matters not that the EH owns an outfit capable of swimming rivers and climbing trees or that the BH owns a sports car.  The EH will merely glance at the sports car and observe: “nice little hunting rig you have there.”

FUNNY NOISE – A sound the EH reports the engine of his vehicle to be making any time the subject arises as to whose rig should be used on the hunting trip.

IMPASSABLE ROAD – Any road that gives indications it might mar the paint job or muddy the hub caps, provided the vehicle under consideration belongs to the EH.

PRACTICALLY A FOUR-LANE HIGHWAY – Any terrain slightly less hazardous than a streambed at flood stage, provided the vehicle under consideration does not belong to the EH.

BUILT TO TAKE IT – Describes any hunting vehicle not the EH’s.

PNEUMONIA – What the Eh claims to have whenever it’s his turn to climb out of a warm sleeping bag and build the morning fire.  Between spasms of hideous coughing, the EH may also request that someone say some kind words over his remains if he drops dead while returning from starting the fire.

MIRACULOUS RECOVERY – What the EH experiences as soon as he hears the morning fire crackling cheerily and smells coffee perking and bacon frying.

CAMP COOK – The BH who draws the short straw.

OVERDONE – Used by camp cooks to mean “burnt to a crisp.”

BURNED – At some point the meal was totally engulfed by flames.  The meal is still regarded as edible provided the hunting trip has been under way for at least two days.

RARE – The wood was too wet to start a cooking fire.

HASH – What all hunting-trip breakfasts appear to be.  There is yellow hash, brown hash, gray hash, black hash and green hash.  Only a fool eats green hash.

STEW – Basically the same as green hash.

IMPOSSIBLE SHOT – What the EH has made anytime he downs game farther away than fifty feet.

FAIR SHOT – Any impossible shot made by someone other than the EH.

DID YOU FEEL THAT EARTH TREMOR JUST NOW? – Question asked by the EH immediately after missing an easy shot.

A BIT – A lot.

SOME – All.  As in, “I ate some of those little cheese- flavored crackers you had hidden in the bottom of your pack.”

LEG CRAMP – What the EH insists is killing him and which requires that he get out of the hunting vehicle and “walk it out” on any occasion that a treacherous stretch of road appears up ahead.

TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT – The EH is about to relate a story approximately the length of the history of mankind since the Creation.

I’M ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THIS IS THE RIGHT TURN – There’s one chance in ten this is the right turn.

IT AIN’T GONNA RAIN – pitch tent on high ground and begin work immediately on a log raft.

AAAIIII! – The hash has become too hot for the camp cook’s stirring finger.

BAFF MAST PIME IG BEAD FEAS MID MIFF PIFE! – That’s the last time I try to eat peas in the dark with my hunting knife!

WHAT’S THAT?  DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING PROWLING AROUND OUTSIDE THE TENT JUST NOW? – Questions hissed to arouse snoring tent partner and keep him awake for the rest of the night, listening.

DEER STAND -What the BH is placed in to keep him out of the way of the EH.

JAMMED RIFLE, DAMAGED GUN SIGHT, BLINDING HEADACHE, BAD KNEE, FOGGED SPECTACLES, ACUTE IRREGULARITY, SPONTANEOUS IRREGULARITY, AND GREEN HASH – Any one or all of these are given as reasons the BH got a deer and the EH didn’t.

CONSUMMATE SKILL – Why the EH got a deer and the BH didn’t.

MEETING PLACE – An imaginary point in space that hunters are supposed to converge upon at a particular time.  It is sometimes referred to as The Big Snag, The Old Apple Orchard, The Car, and Camp.  The EH knows that such a place is merely a figment of the imagination and that the proposed meeting will never occur.  It is hard for a EH to keep a straight face whenever a meeting place is spoken of.

A TRUE STORY – A collection of the most outrageous, preposterous and unmitigated lies ever assembled.

DRESSED OUT AT 140 POUNDS – Dressed out at eighty pounds.

A RUNNING SHOT AT OVER 200 YARDS – I don’t know how those powder burns got on its hide.

FLAT TRAJECTORY – Describes the movement of a hunter leaving his sleeping bag one hour after having eaten green hash for supper.

DID ANYONE THINK TO BRING – I left it sitting on my kitchen table.

MY CARDIOLOGIST – A mythical person casually referred to by the EH whenever it is suggested that he help haul a dead deer up the side of a steep mountain.

A HUNTING TIP – What the EH pays his hunting guide to keep his mouth shut and not to regale the boys back at the camp with an amusing account of what happened.

LEAVE THE LANTERN ON; IT’LL ATTRACT THE INSECTS AND KEEP THEM OFF OF US – I have trouble going to sleep without a night light.

I SCOUTED OUT A LOT OF REAL NICE COUNTRY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN – The EH was lost for most of the day.

DON’T WORRY – Worry.

WIND, SNOW, COLD; THIS IS THE MOST MISERABLE DAY I’VE SPENT IN MY LIFE – Had a great time.

NEXT TIME, KID, TRY NOT TO MAKE SO MUCH RACKET, TROMPING THROUGH THE BRUSH THE WAY YOU DID.  BOY, I’VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A CASE OF BUCK FEVER AS THAT ONE OF YOURS!  ALSO, YOU’VE, GOT TO LEARN NOT TO SHOUT, “THERE’S A BUCK!”  JUST AS I’M SETTIN’ THE CROSS HAIRS ON HIM.  HA! AND THOSE TRACKS YOU THOUGHT WERE FRESH?  WHY YOU COULD HAVE GATHERED THEM UP AND SOLD THEM TO A MUSEUM AS FOSSILS!  – You did all right, kid.